Belle’s Blog

So I’ve been reading TES, and I’m willing to admit that I may be a little bit jealous, but not unreasonably so. In Jealousy 2:4, TES says “Sometimes the truth is that we are becoming aware on an intuitive level that our partner is moving away from us, and it might be true that we are losing the relationship that we cherish.” It goes on to talk in 2:5 about a situation where a lover was trying to pull the partner away from their partnership. That is proof that I am not being unreasonable, that I am just picking up on the subtle and not-so-subtle cues that Hannah is trying to take Tina.

Well, I’m not entirely sure if I can call the fight I had with Tina a conversation. She thinks I’m being unreasonable, and I think she’s wrong. She thinks I’m jealous, and won’t admit it. Since the episode hasn’t been posted where this issue really came to a head, I guess I won’t actually divulge the details, but suffice it to say, things are heated right now.

Not only with Tina. Right before this all came to a head, Ted and I had a theoretical discussion about what if we ended up wanting to date others, and I think it really contributed to the way I am feeling about this incident with Tina. Even thinking about my partners dating others brings up a lot of the feelings I went through when my dad and mom were cheating on each other. I should not feel this way, because the Good Book clearly outlines that polyamory is the solution to the problems created by unethical sluttery such as cheating. I don’t know why idle conversation about polyamory should cause such emotional upheaval for me, when I have spent so much time trying to embrace the Life.

I have a lot to think about.

Gack! What have I done? I can see Thanksgiving looming ahead of me, and the grading. I think I will have to do grading during the holiday, and I’m pretty disappointed, but it is a situation of my own creation. Here is an amusing image I saw on a whiteboard the other day that describes the way I feel.

I have not had much chance to think about posting lately, and I’m afraid it isn’t going to get much better. In fact, I have unfortunately scheduled a big project to be due right before Thanksgiving, and I know that will wreck havoc with my schedule. I was thinking it would be nice for the students to go home and not have the project to worry about. Plus, then I can use some of the holiday for grading. I hope it doesn’t end up being a mistake.

By agreement, Will and I did not appear on the air during recording this week. Instead, we let Bernie talk to Shake to clear up the aftermath of the last episode. The episode is still being edited, so I still haven’t had a chance to listen to it. I am sure that it will be interesting, even if I disagree.

Side note: My partner Tina is an electrical engineer, and she attended a panel on women in science and engineering earlier this week. She said they had interesting things to say, and one was the idea that both the men and the women on the panel preferred to work in environments where women were part of the team, because it was less competition-oriented. With male predominant environments, the men feel the need to show off, and compete with each other more. Tina found this interesting because she had previously been turned off by the “hot shot” culture in engineering, but now realizes that this gives the impression that she isn’t as good, or can’t compete, or isn’t ambitious. The truth is, women and men feel differently about competition, and in a patriarchal society, this approach to career development becomes the “right” perspective, and contributes to the dominance of males in engineering and other “competitive” fields. However, even men do not prefer to operate this way, as revealed by their preferences during the panel discussion.

Well, I suppose that uncovering that our cook has been spiking the food with pot is a little more than we had in mind in the way of juicy tidbits of community gossip. Oh, I’m sorry, allegedly spiking the food. It has been particularly unsettling, though I think we’re managing the aftermath pretty well. It is a good thing that we have not yet been asked to remove episode 6. In fact, the attention seems to be all on Shake, and is therefore really saving us, or perhaps actually benefiting us. At least twice last night at the meeting, I heard people make comments that sort of attributed the uncovering of the scandal to the podcast, as if we are some sort of detectives. On the one hand, it feels pretty good to have the support of the community. On the other hand, it makes me worry, because I know not all the juicy gossip we come up with will be seen this way. Oh, well. We cross our fingers, and do our best. And make our own food in the meantime.

I saw this drawn out on a huge white board in my building on campus, and thought it was simultaneously interesting, and a little depressing. I have noticed since I first snapped an image that it actually has started to evolve a bit, with people adding, but the original remains the most compelling. I like the way that white board public art has a tendency to evolve as people add to it, blurring the lines of the original image to accomodate the new. I don’t suppose it is too much different from the realities of the lifestyle as I’ve been thinking about it. Real life has a tendency to blur the lines of the ideal definitions. We can only strive to attain the best incarnation of our ideals.

First iteration of a spontaneous collaborative public artwork.

I am still not sure what my hierarchy of nonmonogamy would be, but I still strongly feel that polyamory is not the top of the hierarchy. I know I mentioned in the latest podcast (which is still posted, yay!), the idea of emotional exclusivity versus sexual exclusivity. I have been thinking about this more, and it may be more of a continuum, where on one side, monogamy, there is total exclusivity of both emotional and sexual, and on the other side is total exclusivity both emotionally and sexually. However, then it gets harder to put swingers and some of the other terms on the list, and makes some of the lines much fuzzier than I think they should be. I guess it could be a coordinate plane, with one axis as emotional exclusivity, and the other as sexual exclusivity. However, then you still have the trouble with fuzzy boundaries. No, I really think to get a sense of the truth of how these labels are broken down, you probably need to construct a hierarchy.

I’ll keep thinking about this.

Whew! What a week. It seems we’ve succeeded in keeping our 4th episode posted! Not too much drama, but plenty of anxiety on my part. That, along with some technical difficulties had me holding my breath a bit, but it seems we’re in the clear! Yay! *bounces*

School is also in full swing, with my first big projects needing to be graded, so I’m already getting swamped. The days are turning chilly and I saw my first “electric” tree today… you know the trees whose leave have turned out their neon colors that just seem to glow with radiant autumn light? It was cold enough that I bought new gloves last week. Then promptly lost them on the bus on Monday. *slaps forehead*

We’ve recorded episode 5, and with a microphone for Will now! I think it went very well, and it really feels like we’ve finally “started” the podcast!

Bernie and I have decided, in the best interest of the continued livelihood of the podcast, that we should back way off on pushing the envelope with the podcasts. We were following the rules, but not really their intent. Mostly because we didn’t entirely agree with the intent of the rules, and we still don’t. However, the rules still give us enough flexibility that we can create great shows without losing too much.

*sighs* It feels a bit like defeat, but really, I don’t think we could handle losing another show, so we’re willing to try it their way.

On a happier note, the school year is off to a good start, and my teaching load is pretty manageable. The commute is better since I started carpooling to the bus terminal, and then it’s just a quick ride across the lake and a 15 minute walk from my bus stop. Not too bad.